- Safety & Security
- Services
- Domestic and Sexual Violence Resource Center
- Abusers & Can They Change
Abusers & Can They Change
An abuser may:
- Appear to be a charming, loving, family-oriented person
- Be a good provider
- Otherwise be a law-abiding citizen
But, their abusive behaviors toward their intimate partner can lead them to severely injure, and possibly kill, their loved one(s). Domestic violence does not discriminate.
Abuser Characteristics
- Blaming of others - does not accept responsibility for own actions
- Controlling behaviors
- Cruelty to animals, children
- Excessive jealousy
- Isolates partners from friends and/or family
- Low self esteem
- Poor communication skills
- Raised in an abusive household
- Use/abuse of drugs and/or alcohol
While all individuals can change, they should want the change to occur. An unwilling or uninterested individual cannot be forced to change. Change must be intrinsic, a natural desire by the individual to alter and/or modify their behaviors. Change is possible, but is difficult, as abusive, controlling behaviors are often learned behaviors.
Research indicates an increased likelihood of change when an individual has a strong support system of non-enabling family and friends. It can also happen with community support, such as probation supervision, substance abuse services and/or mental health services, and a certified domestic violence intervention program.
While victims of abuse experience greater success with a positive support system, the same is true for perpetrators of abuse.
Domestic Violence Intervention Program Goals
To begin the process of recognizing and ceasing abusive behaviors, an individual may benefit from a certified domestic violence intervention program that may include:
- Assisting individuals in examining their beliefs related to these behaviors
- Assisting individuals in exploring alternatives to violence
- Assisting individuals in identifying abusive, violent and coercive behaviors
- Holding individuals accountable for their abusive behaviors
- Teaching individuals how to stop violence and prevent reoccurrence of future violence
Signs of Change
An individual may say they are changing, but true change should be observed over a period of time. Signs of change include the following:
- Accepting change is a long-process - not declaring themselves “cured”
- Accepting the consequences for their actions (including not blaming their partner, nor feeling sorry for themselves)
- Accepting responsibility and recognizing abuse is a choice
- Admitting fully to what they have done
- Changing how they act in heated conflicts
- Changing how they respond to their partner’s (or former partner’s) anger
- Developing respectful, supportive behaviors
- Identifying patterns of controlling behaviors
- Not demanding credit for perceived (or actual) improvements
- Not treating improvements as vouchers for future abuse (“I haven’t done anything like this in a long time.”)
- Stopping excuses and blaming